A rant on my new attitude of gratitude.

Whelp, 2014 has proven to be one of the most challenging years of my life, but also the one in which I have grown the most. Our family struggles have brought us together in a way I never thought possible. My heart is full of gratitude for my Savior and the strength I receive daily from him. I am overwhelmed with love and compassion for all of those who have gone through similar struggles.
 Last night I snuggled up to Ryan and told him how grateful I am for the Lords hand in my life. Even though I don't understand why we are going through the things that we are going through, I am trying to stay positive and see the good in the situation. I had several "tough" days last month when getting out of bed seemed like more of a chore than anything. So I cried, and watched way too much TV. But at the end of the day I felt worse, so the next day I prayed, and prayed and prayed. It seemed like my only option was to exercise my faith. As I searched the scriptures and thought about what I should do I made the connection, I was exercising my faith. So I looked up the definition of exercise and found this: "something done or performed as a means of practice, mental exertion, especially for the sake of training or improvement". I knew we came to this world to be tried, I knew we came here to find our faith, but I didn't know how we would achieve that.
Ryan and I had our trials before marriage, trust me. I was a rebel in my youth, I was determined to defy God and all his plans for me, then I met Ryan.  My sweet Ryan filled me with a desire to become better, this desire shattered my defiance. I knew after a scary two weeks time that he was the roots to my crazy willow tree, he would be the one to keep me grounded.
 After our pre-marriage trials were over and we were sealed in the temple I knew we were in for a rocky ride. We are happy, faithful members of the church, but there is no room for growth. In order to grow we must be tried. As I was reading the scriptures thinking about what it meant to exercise my faith I had the thought; a body builder cannot bulk up without exercise, a pianist cannot play flawlessly without practicing and exercising their skills, and I cannot return to my Father without being tried to my very core and exercising my faith. I'm not saying I am perfect, or my life is perfect, far from it in fact. But there were very few things that could try me to my core.
 Not being able to have children was my biggest fear growing up, it still is. But when we decided to start trying and failed, my life was shattered. With faith and prayers I have come to accept that we will just have to try harder and push through this trial. I am so grateful that we have gone through it together. It has made our relationship and our testimonies stronger. When I think about our future children I have to swallow the lump that appears in my throat and picture the Lord with our children, sitting on His lap waiting to come down to their family, and to them, this is just the blink of an eye. I look forward to the day when I can meet them again.

An easy read.

Tis the season and I would like to post some of my favorite Christmas quotes from both songs and movies to help us remember the TRUE meaning of Christmas. Yes, everyone goes on and on about the true meaning of Christmas, but clearly it needs to be restated because every year without fail, we get lost in all the hullabaloo of presents and Santa and reindeer. (and if you're like me Disney's Frozen is on that list too.)

I will try to share a favorite memory or story that goes along with each quote. The first on my list is a family favorite.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas.

 Each year my brother Rick and I would watch the Grinch. I specifically remember one year watching it almost EVERY day. We would turn on the Christmas tree, get bundled up in our favorite blankets and watch The Grinch. Soon our eyes became heavy and we would doze off until the finishing credits would blast so loud they'd wake us up. No matter how many times we would watch it, I can still remember the part where the Grinch finally realized what made Christmas so special.

"It came without ribbons, it came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags." (Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before) "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store, maybe Christmas (he thought) means a little bit more"

My next favorite Christmas movie is...

Charlie Brown Christmas.

If you don't know my Dad, you should. That's all there is to it. He is without a doubt the funniest person I know. He is also the one person I know who can be so annoying yet hilarious at the same time. He is the person in our family that can bring everyone together no matter how angry, spiteful or stubborn we are. But through all of his ridiculous games and jokes he has a tender countenance that resembles the spirit of Christ. My Dad has an unshakable testimony and undoubtedly cries during every tender moment in every movie. During Charlie Brown Christmas he would always rewind the loud dancing scenes then make all of the kids get up and try to imitate the Charlie Brown Characters dance moves. We would do this for hours and laugh until our sides hurt, but during the final scene he would quiet us all down, grab some tissues and watch Linus perform his tender scene in the Christmas play.

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flocks by night, and lo the angel of the Lord came upon them and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them, "Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a savior, tis Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you. You shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of heavenly hosts, praising God and saying "Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men." That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

Sheesh, this post is getting kind of lengthy, and here you are thinking "wow, she titled it an easy read, rookie mistake." But with that being said, I will post just one more quote, the lyrics to my all time favorite Christmas song. It is sung through the voice of the Innkeeper that turned Mary and Joseph away the night baby Jesus was born.

Let Him In (Forgotten Carols).

"I am a man forgotten, no one recalls my name, thousands of years will fail to fully erase my shame. But I turned a profit nicely the day that I turned the couple away, I turned them away. I didn't sleep that evening though I'd sold out my place somehow I felt uneasy something about her face. Why did I wish that I'd let them stay? I didn't think they could pay or could they have paid? Restless, I left my bedroom I walked the streets all night. Lost in the world I lived in, found by a heavenly light. Staring at one bright star in the sky I heard a baby cry and I knew where that cry had come from 'cause I'd told them where they could go. I didn't think I could face them so I walked slowly home. Missing my chance to share in their joy, I never saw the boy. He never would condemn me, I did that all on my own. He offered His forgiveness, and ever since then, I've known. That He lets us choose each hour of each day if we'll let Him in to stay, let Him in. And whether it be in your world today or a crowded Bethlehem Inn, find a way make Him room let Him in."


Find a way, we can make room for Him. Let Him in.

I will follow.

In a past semester I took a Sociology class, something basic but required for my degree. I thrived in the class and while taking the course I learned all about the development of humans and their organization, the way they function in society, and the fundamental laws of their social relations and institutions. It was probably my favorite class, up until the day about religion. I am not one to bash on the beliefs of others and I don't expect everyone to believe the things I choose to. After listening to my Professor talk for over an hour on how religion is a joke and how humans mentally "created" an all powerful being so that they would feel better about things like death, pain and taxes I was enraged to say the least. This seems like a logical excuse right? But that's the funny part, it is all logic. Religion is so much more. I had a dear family friend pass away due to cancer several years ago. Something like this could tear a family apart. Rather than getting torn apart the family grew and the entire community came together as a whole. The neighbors and ward members worked hard so that the family could celebrate their last Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas together as a family in early October. As our dear friend neared death he could have become afraid and questioned his beliefs. But instead he grew closer to the Lord and his sweet wife. He sought forgiveness from those he wronged and advised his children to hold firm to the gospel. In his last days he grew to become someone we were all proud to have known. As my professor would say, "this family created a supernal being to help them cope with their loss". But no one could ever assume that humans created a God if they felt the true spirit that I feel when I attend church every Sunday. If the greatest scientist in the world was an atheist with a goal to tear me from my beliefs and prove everything I knew about the church to be wrong, he could definitely try. But I wouldn't stop exercising my faith, and I wouldn't start partaking of the fruits of the world and nothing he said could make me deny Christ. I was so angry after my hearing my professor give us every reason to give up our faith that I wanted to drag him into primary to hear the children singing so passionately about things that they don't fully comprehend yet. I wanted to dress him up like a girl and sneak him into Relief Society to listen to the women talking about serving each other with such diligence that my "all knowing" professor would be in awe. I wanted to sit him down during sacrament meeting so that he might  feel that which I feel every week as I listen to the silence. As I ponder while partaking of the bread and water that symbolize the selfless sacrifice of our Savior. Because I know if my professor experienced that, there is no way he could doubt the presence of God. 

A dear friend of mine has recently denounced the church. Whether it is a permanent choice in his life here or something temporary. I want to tell him how true the church is, and how saddened I am by his choice. I want him to know that he is loved. Whether you are hurting from present choices or past decisions, there is one and only one who understands completely what you are going through. For I know that when we are apart from God, he weeps for us. Life is hard, but the journey seems a lot easier when I know who I've got on my side. I am so grateful for my wonderful priesthood holder and the example he is to me. After dedicating our apartment there is a new spirit that resides there. I cannot wait for the blessings to come in the future, whether they are back to school blessings, baby blessings or blessings to heal. I am grateful for them.