Whelp, 2014 has proven to be one of the most challenging years of my life, but also the one in which I have grown the most. Our family struggles have brought us together in a way I never thought possible. My heart is full of gratitude for my Savior and the strength I receive daily from him. I am overwhelmed with love and compassion for all of those who have gone through similar struggles.
Last night I snuggled up to Ryan and told him how grateful I am for the Lords hand in my life. Even though I don't understand why we are going through the things that we are going through, I am trying to stay positive and see the good in the situation. I had several "tough" days last month when getting out of bed seemed like more of a chore than anything. So I cried, and watched way too much TV. But at the end of the day I felt worse, so the next day I prayed, and prayed and prayed. It seemed like my only option was to exercise my faith. As I searched the scriptures and thought about what I should do I made the connection, I was exercising my faith. So I looked up the definition of exercise and found this: "something done or performed as a means of practice, mental exertion, especially for the sake of training or improvement". I knew we came to this world to be tried, I knew we came here to find our faith, but I didn't know how we would achieve that.
Ryan and I had our trials before marriage, trust me. I was a rebel in my youth, I was determined to defy God and all his plans for me, then I met Ryan. My sweet Ryan filled me with a desire to become better, this desire shattered my defiance. I knew after a scary two weeks time that he was the roots to my crazy willow tree, he would be the one to keep me grounded.
After our pre-marriage trials were over and we were sealed in the temple I knew we were in for a rocky ride. We are happy, faithful members of the church, but there is no room for growth. In order to grow we must be tried. As I was reading the scriptures thinking about what it meant to exercise my faith I had the thought; a body builder cannot bulk up without exercise, a pianist cannot play flawlessly without practicing and exercising their skills, and I cannot return to my Father without being tried to my very core and exercising my faith. I'm not saying I am perfect, or my life is perfect, far from it in fact. But there were very few things that could try me to my core.
Not being able to have children was my biggest fear growing up, it still is. But when we decided to start trying and failed, my life was shattered. With faith and prayers I have come to accept that we will just have to try harder and push through this trial. I am so grateful that we have gone through it together. It has made our relationship and our testimonies stronger. When I think about our future children I have to swallow the lump that appears in my throat and picture the Lord with our children, sitting on His lap waiting to come down to their family, and to them, this is just the blink of an eye. I look forward to the day when I can meet them again.