Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Pregnancy; I'm so over it.

Patience is not one of my virtues, so nine long months of waiting is just not for me. I'm barely getting to the third trimester. I feel like I have gained so much from this pregnancy, but most of it on the scale. You know those girls who go the full nine months and don't put on a pound? 
I'm not one of them.

Before I got pregnant I swore I wasn't going to be one of those pessimistic pregnant ladies that complained until they were blue in the face, though that is not my intention, I need to vent for a minute. First thing on my list: weight gain. Don't let this phrase fool you, you will hear it a thousand times at the doctors office but the truth is, it's just the nice way of saying 'getting fat'. 
You cannot truly understand unless you have seen a morbidly obese person trying to tie their shoes. You watch them struggle for air as they try to hold their breath just long enough to get the bunny ear through the hole. That is how I feel every time I lean forward, or bend over or touch my knees for that matter. The saddest part, I'm not even a fraction of what I will become in the next three months.

On top of getting fat, I want to cry 98% of the time. Legitimately anything can set me off, I'm like a ticking time bomb. They could be happy tears, they could be sad tears, they honestly could be plain old water works. I hold back tears all day.

Oh fatigue, another perk of being pregnant. Every little task you complete expends all the energy you have. What I don't understand is how I can be so exhausted, yet the minute my head hit's the pillow I have a million things on my mind and sleep becomes a distant memory. 

I won't go into detail about the swollen feet, acne or "glow" aka oily skin. All you need to know is that it's not pretty. 

Let's talk about respect for a minute. Because I have major respect for women who can run while pregnant. Not only are you heavier and more exhausted than when you are not pregnant, but the pressure is unbearable. I'm not talking about mental pressure, I'm talking about the building pressure that starts below your belly button and with every step you take it worsens. My husband and I occasionally race from the car into our apartment (at least we did before I turned into a whale), and since getting pregnant I get about three steps into my sprint before it feels like something is going to fall out. 
I used to think pregnant women waddled because their stomach made it difficult to walk with their legs together. I may not be waddling yet, but I have a good feeling it isn't because your stomach gets in the way. Stupid groin pain. It has almost surpassed my aching back.

One thing I inherited from my Mother is her exact pregnancy. She suffered from morning sickness for the full nine months and had an aching back through most of her pregnancy. 
I've never had strong back muscles, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I NEVER work out those muscles, maybe it's genetics, either way, its a real beast. You are gaining weight at a crazy rate (all in your chest and belly) and your back starts freaking out wondering what the heck kind of test you are trying to put it through. So you lay down, only to find out that it doesn't help, so you sit up and readjust and roll over and stand up and kneel down and twist and turn all with no relief. 

My last bone to pick; morning sickness. Some sick son of a B thought it would be funny to call it morning sickness. Let me tell you, I've thrown up in the "morning" of every time zone. It really is the worst part of pregnancy (at least for those who truly experience it). Everyday when you wake up, you have a choice to make. You can drink a tall glass of water only to throw it back up. You can eat food and throw up chunks or you can do nothing and dry heave until you fill the bowl with stomach acid. It's brutal and quite repulsive, but there it is.

I have enjoyed certain parts of pregnancy. I enjoyed the excitement of our first positive pregnancy test, and sharing that news with my husband. Mainly feeling my baby kick and seeing her little heartbeat on the ultrasound. I loved finding out that she is going to be a little princess who I can dress up in bows and glitter covered clothes. I thrive over the fact that I am lucky enough to carry my own child, and give birth to her, regardless of the fear that is linked with that thought. I look forward to nursing (after the initial pain and hatred wears off). I enjoy the major milestones of pregnancy, not so much the in-between. I think pregnancy has been harder than I anticipated because I am just so flippin' excited to meet my little girl. That day can't come soon enough.

When we had our first doctors appointment with the fertility specialist I was so hopeful. I still am. I just need to find that hope again, along with some patience. Because we struggled getting pregnant and I wanted it so badly, I felt like I couldn't complain about anything pregnancy related. I mean, I fasted and prayed for this child, and here I am whining that I got what I asked for? It almost seems ungrateful. I wrote a post after my first doctors appointment with the fertility specialist, and in that post I said this:
"So here is to the future. To fixing what is broken. To a positive pregnancy test. To morning sickness and sleepless nights. To a long labor that is worth every minute. To dirty diapers and spit-up covered clothes. To midnight snuggles and nursing my baby. To a complete family that finally feels whole."
It seems that everything I wrote here has come true so far. 
Wish me luck with my long labor and spit up covered clothes.
 I know it will be worth it.

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