The Name.

The name Alice wasn't even on our radar until the very end of my pregnancy. We had a few names picked out, one was a little more modern and the other was after my great Grandma (Emma Jane Thomas). We loved the sentimentality of Emma Jane but the name Emma has been on the top charts for YEARS. I didn't dislike the idea of my daughter having a popular name (at least not enough to make up a name out of the blue just to keep her unique) but I didn't want her to be one of 4 Emma's in her class. After going back and forth between our modern name and our traditional name, I realized I felt stuck with these two names. So I grabbed a pen and some paper and started brainstorming. I showed Ryan my list of names and at the top it said Alice. He was pretty set on our "modern name" up until that point, but once he saw Alice there was no going back. Ryan's Grandmothers name is Alice. She passed away when he was young and he could think of no better way to honor her than to name our first child after her. (Plus we loved the name). The story behind her middle name Jayne and its unique spelling comes from my side of the family. As many of you know, my Mothers name is Pamela. What you may not know, is that all of her children call her Jayne. It's something my sister started calling her because of her likeness to my Grandma Emma Jane, and from then on it just kind of stuck. By naming our daughter Alice Jayne we were able to honor both of our families. Not to mention it totally suits her. I hope she can live up to her name and posses the many wonderful qualities of the women she is named after.

Pregnancy; I'm so over it.

Patience is not one of my virtues, so nine long months of waiting is just not for me. I'm barely getting to the third trimester. I feel like I have gained so much from this pregnancy, but most of it on the scale. You know those girls who go the full nine months and don't put on a pound? 

I'm not one of them.

Before I got pregnant I swore I wasn't going to be one of those pessimistic pregnant ladies that complained until they were blue in the face, though that is not my intention, I need to vent for a minute. First thing on my list: weight gain. Don't let this phrase fool you, you will hear it a thousand times at the doctors office but the truth is, it's just the nice way of saying 'getting fat'. 

You cannot truly understand unless you have seen a morbidly obese person trying to tie their shoes. You watch them struggle for air as they try to hold their breath just long enough to get the bunny ear through the hole. That is how I feel every time I lean forward, or bend over or touch my knees for that matter. The saddest part, I'm not even a fraction of what I will become in the next three months.

On top of getting fat, I want to cry 98% of the time. Legitimately anything can set me off, I'm like a ticking time bomb. They could be happy tears, they could be sad tears, they honestly could be plain old water works. I hold back tears all day.

Oh fatigue, another perk of being pregnant. Every little task you complete expends all the energy you have. What I don't understand is how I can be so exhausted, yet the minute my head hit's the pillow I have a million things on my mind and sleep becomes a distant memory. 

I won't go into detail about the swollen feet, acne or "glow" aka oily skin. All you need to know is that it's not pretty. 

Let's talk about respect for a minute. Because I have major respect for women who can run while pregnant. Not only are you heavier and more exhausted than when you are not pregnant, but the pressure is unbearable. I'm not talking about mental pressure, I'm talking about the building pressure that starts below your belly button and with every step you take it worsens. My husband and I occasionally race from the car into our apartment (at least we did before I turned into a whale), and since getting pregnant I get about three steps into my sprint before it feels like something is going to fall out. 

I used to think pregnant women waddled because their stomach made it difficult to walk with their legs together. I may not be waddling yet, but I have a good feeling it isn't because your stomach gets in the way. Stupid groin pain. It has almost surpassed my aching back.

One thing I inherited from my Mother is her exact pregnancy. She suffered from morning sickness for the full nine months and had an aching back through most of her pregnancy. 

I've never had strong back muscles, maybe it has something to do with the fact that I NEVER work out those muscles, maybe it's genetics, either way, its a real beast. You are gaining weight at a crazy rate (all in your chest and belly) and your back starts freaking out wondering what the heck kind of test you are trying to put it through. So you lay down, only to find out that it doesn't help, so you sit up and readjust and roll over and stand up and kneel down and twist and turn all with no relief. 

My last bone to pick; morning sickness. Some sick son of a B thought it would be funny to call it morning sickness. Let me tell you, I've thrown up in the "morning" of every time zone. It really is the worst part of pregnancy (at least for those who truly experience it). Everyday when you wake up, you have a choice to make. You can drink a tall glass of water only to throw it back up. You can eat food and throw up chunks or you can do nothing and dry heave until you fill the bowl with stomach acid. It's brutal and quite repulsive, but there it is.

I have enjoyed certain parts of pregnancy. I enjoyed the excitement of our first positive pregnancy test, and sharing that news with my husband. Mainly feeling my baby kick and seeing her little heartbeat on the ultrasound. I loved finding out that she is going to be a little princess who I can dress up in bows and glitter covered clothes. I thrive over the fact that I am lucky enough to carry my own child, and give birth to her, regardless of the fear that is linked with that thought. I look forward to nursing (after the initial pain and hatred wears off). I enjoy the major milestones of pregnancy, not so much the in-between. I think pregnancy has been harder than I anticipated because I am just so flippin' excited to meet my little girl. That day can't come soon enough.

When we had our first doctors appointment with the fertility specialist I was so hopeful. I still am. I just need to find that hope again, along with some patience. Because we struggled getting pregnant and I wanted it so badly, I felt like I couldn't complain about anything pregnancy related. I mean, I fasted and prayed for this child, and here I am whining that I got what I asked for? It almost seems ungrateful. I wrote a post after my first doctors appointment with the fertility specialist, and in that post I said this:

"So here is to the future. To fixing what is broken. To a positive pregnancy test. To morning sickness and sleepless nights. To a long labor that is worth every minute. To dirty diapers and spit-up covered clothes. To midnight snuggles and nursing my baby. To a complete family that finally feels whole."

It seems that everything I wrote here has come true so far. 

Wish me luck with my long labor and spit up covered clothes.

 I know it will be worth it.

Pregnancy Update. Week 23: Already?

So, it has been a while since I last blogged. Mostly because I don't feel that I have anything too crazy to blog about. Yes I am getting bigger, and I crave different foods, but nothing else is really changing in my life. (Not until December at least).
 Before my pregnancy I had every intention of taking those cute progress pictures, you know, the ones where you can practically see the belly growing? Ya, that has not happened. I have taken a total of like ten pregnancy pictures and I am already 6 months into it. How disappointing. But the truth is, I'm so busy enjoying every phase of this pregnancy, I haven't felt the urge to document all the private details to my social media friends. I know what it is like to be on the other side of the fence, wanting to see all the progress your friend or acquaintance has made. I will try to be better so you can all see my bump growing (along with the rest of me). But in the mean time, here are my previous pictures along with some fun pregnancy details. I promise I wear more than one dress, but I wanted to take most of my maternity pictures in the same dress so the changes were obvious.

This was the day we found out the gender. A precious baby girl.

Week 18

Week 20

Week 21.

 Also the week we got to see our baby girl in her diagnostic ultrasound.

 10 fingers, 10 toes.

 This is the week I had a craving for crab that wouldn't go away so my Hubby took me out. Spoiled.

 Week 21.

Week 22.

 So far I have been terrible about taking pictures and posting. I will try to get better but don't be too surprised if it doesn't improve.

Thanks for reading!

Withering away.

I grew up in a family that loves to cook, and when you love to cook, you love to eat. Last year a friend of mine got pregnant and I was so judge-mental. She was very fit and always informed me if I was making a poor choice in the food department. She ate lean meals and very rarely consumed sugar. When she got pregnant she basically threw her health out the window. She lived off of Reeses Peanut Butter Cups and fried food her whole pregnancy. I remember she got a burger and fries for lunch and within an hour she was on her way to getting a second burger and fries. I couldn't believe she just treated her pregnancy as a hall pass. I kept thinking "pregnancy is a time to treat your body better, a time to give your baby all the nutrients you can" I got so angry when people would have the mindset "I'm going to get fat anyway, might as well snarf it down while I can." Boy was I wrong! Not only are you hungry enough to eat your own foot, but sometimes, healthy doesn't sound good at all! I have been the opposite of most women. I gave up a lot of my sugar cravings and most of my fried food faves when I got pregnant. I love eggs, fruit, whole wheat bread, sandwiches and salads. I would be lying if I didn't say I craved cereal on a daily basis and I cannot stop thinking about this turkey leg from Disneyland. I'm sure this health kick craving will be short lived, but I hope I can balance out cravings and nutrition throughout my pregnancy. One thing I've learned the hard way, don't judge that pregnant woman you see scarfing down a chili dog, she needs it.  

Tax Day.

For any new readers just tuning in, my sweet husband Ryan and I have been trying to get pregnant since December of 2012. We found out shortly after that we would struggle through the infertility journey as so many others have. It was a long painful process, that consisted of needles, medication and embarrassing moments. Our doctors were amazing and made the entire process manageable. But did you notice the past tense word choice? On April 15, 2014 we found out we are no longer going through the infertility process...

It was the hardest thing we had to overcome, but we did it together with the Lord's help. It seemed that the closer we became to the end of our trial, the more thin our patience was wearing. It wasn't until we fully accepted the trial that the Lord could free us from it. We learned that it is truly out of our hands. I am so grateful for our trials and the way they strengthen us. I look forward to the future. We couldn't be happier or more excited to get to know our little bundle of joy! 

A rant on my new attitude of gratitude.

Whelp, 2014 has proven to be one of the most challenging years of my life, but also the one in which I have grown the most. Our family struggles have brought us together in a way I never thought possible. My heart is full of gratitude for my Savior and the strength I receive daily from him. I am overwhelmed with love and compassion for all of those who have gone through similar struggles.
 Last night I snuggled up to Ryan and told him how grateful I am for the Lords hand in my life. Even though I don't understand why we are going through the things that we are going through, I am trying to stay positive and see the good in the situation. I had several "tough" days last month when getting out of bed seemed like more of a chore than anything. So I cried, and watched way too much TV. But at the end of the day I felt worse, so the next day I prayed, and prayed and prayed. It seemed like my only option was to exercise my faith. As I searched the scriptures and thought about what I should do I made the connection, I was exercising my faith. So I looked up the definition of exercise and found this: "something done or performed as a means of practice, mental exertion, especially for the sake of training or improvement". I knew we came to this world to be tried, I knew we came here to find our faith, but I didn't know how we would achieve that.
Ryan and I had our trials before marriage, trust me. I was a rebel in my youth, I was determined to defy God and all his plans for me, then I met Ryan.  My sweet Ryan filled me with a desire to become better, this desire shattered my defiance. I knew after a scary two weeks time that he was the roots to my crazy willow tree, he would be the one to keep me grounded.
 After our pre-marriage trials were over and we were sealed in the temple I knew we were in for a rocky ride. We are happy, faithful members of the church, but there is no room for growth. In order to grow we must be tried. As I was reading the scriptures thinking about what it meant to exercise my faith I had the thought; a body builder cannot bulk up without exercise, a pianist cannot play flawlessly without practicing and exercising their skills, and I cannot return to my Father without being tried to my very core and exercising my faith. I'm not saying I am perfect, or my life is perfect, far from it in fact. But there were very few things that could try me to my core.
 Not being able to have children was my biggest fear growing up, it still is. But when we decided to start trying and failed, my life was shattered. With faith and prayers I have come to accept that we will just have to try harder and push through this trial. I am so grateful that we have gone through it together. It has made our relationship and our testimonies stronger. When I think about our future children I have to swallow the lump that appears in my throat and picture the Lord with our children, sitting on His lap waiting to come down to their family, and to them, this is just the blink of an eye. I look forward to the day when I can meet them again.

The Luck of the Irish.

So I am sure you guys have been looking forward to an announcement of some sort but unfortunately we have yet to take a positive pregnancy test. On a happier note, we are making progress!
I had my first visit with the Doctor in January and he said it was pretty much going to just be a waiting game. In February my sweet husband and I took off to Mexico for valentines day, the down side; we missed our window for that month! With long faces we looked toward the next month with hope and no scheduling conflicts. Out of the blue I got my period 2 weeks earlier than expected so I went to the doctor and he told me the excruciating cramps were normal when you haven't had a healthy period in a while. He also told me that we could continue with the rest of our plans! So I started another medication and just finished it yesterday. I will go in for an exam Wednesday with the doctor and if everything looks good I will go in for another exam Friday. If everything looks good Friday I will be going in for another exam the following week that will be full of shots and blood samples and medication. I think it is safe to say that we have a busy March ahead of us! Since it is St. Patrick's Day we are stealing all of the luck from this special day to make all our dreams come true!  Fingers crossed, eyes shut tight, making hopeful wishes.

Wish us Luck!

In case you were wondering, I am often wrong.

Yes, a baby will be worth this long drawn out process, and every time I think about holding a little loved one in my arms I seem to forget about the pain and discomfort I've been having.

I don't have any new updates from the doctor, but for those of you who are wondering how everything has been going here's a little update on my thoughts.

I thought that I would be okay to have several bites of ice cream while on this medicine, I thought wrong.

I thought I would enjoy all the meat in a no carb/no sugar diet, I was wrong.

I thought that the pounds would fall off when I started the medication, I was wrong.

I thought I could go a day without thinking about our future child, I was wrong.

I thought I could skip a meal without passing out, I was wrong.

I thought we would be okay snow shoeing without toilet paper, I was wrong.

I thought I could hold it long enough to make it back down the mountain, I was wrong.

I thought I was skilled enough to balance on the side of the mountain and touch my bum to the snow, in the dark, while wearing snow shoes, I was wrong.

I thought I could beat my score on Flappy Bird, I was wrong.

I thought I was all alone in this process, thanks to my Mother and supporting husband, I was wrong.

I thought being this miserable would make me want a baby less, I was wrong.

I thought Ryan would get sick of my constant complaining, I was wrong.

I thought I would quit after feeling this gross, I was wrong.

I thought Ryan would make me take back the first gender neutral outfit I purchased for our future baby, luckily, I was wrong.

Thank you everyone for your love and support through our trials, it has made them much more bearable.

The Doctor's appointment that will change our future.

I know this picture is awkward beyond compare and according to my sister Rachel  it makes me look like I have a "uniboob", but it was the only picture I have of the appointment.

Regardless of the odd angled picture, I finally have some updates for you. If you have previously read our blog you know that Ryan and I have been struggling with some fertility issues (by struggling I mean trying for over a year with no luck). Read more here. After several appointments with my regular doctor I made the gutsy move of meeting with a fertility specialist. I felt strangely calm walking into our first appointment, like it was meant to be, Ryan on the other hand, could not stop talking about it the week of. The closer we got to the actual appointment, the severity of his nervousness became apparent to me. He kept asking me, "Are you sure I need to go? Can you please just go without me? Can you call the doctor and make sure he needs me there?" He and I both knew what would be required of him and he was not having it.

For those of you who don't know my husband, you should know that someone uttering the word "sex" makes him blush. Even sexual innuendos make him turn the color of his fiery hair. It is really quite humorous that I chose to marry such a reserved individual considering my family is open about all of the above. I am sure you can imagine his feelings toward a Doctor's visit based solely on sex, babies and every detail therein. DREAD is about the only word I can use to describe it, pure dread.

Nevertheless, Ryan attended to show his love and support. Shortly after arriving we were called back to a room where we sat down and discussed the hopes and dreams of our future with our caring Doctor. After a year of trying, weeks of waiting and urinating on several hundred sticks, our high hopes were short lived.
Dr. F. was a breath of fresh air. He was blunt, educational and refreshingly hopeful which I am utterly grateful for. He gave us the thing we had been robbed of, that which was missing for a good portion of our journey, HOPE.

We tried to remain faithful through our trial, but I cannot express how hard that is to accomplish when you lose hope. My heart goes out to the parents out there who have tried for several years with no luck of bringing a baby into this world. It is so emotionally straining to get your hopes up every month, to wait and wait and wait and finally have the guts to take a test knowing well before you open the package what the results will be. I have been refilled, and I pray that all of you who are trying to conceive can find this renewed sense of hope which I have recently discovered. For the journey can be long, and I know how weary you must feel.

During my appointment I had to get an uncomfortable amount of naked. At least my husband was there to comfort me laugh and take pictures of me in my gown. Soon the gown and nakedness was the least of my worries. What the doctor found was disheartening. My ovaries were filled with cysts, he said he could see around thirty of them. My heart dropped because I didn't know what this meant. The doctor then explained, I will spare you the details but essentially I have been infertile for around three years. Thanks hormones. Suddenly the uncomfortable situation didn't seem to bother me as my mind drifted to the issues before me. For three years I have been infertile, could I have prevented this? I was confused and angry. Luckily, doctors fix things. So he upped my medication, scheduled about a billion other tests, shots and medications for me to take. After handing my sweet Ryan a brown paper bag, we were on our way.

As we walked toward the checkout desk I thought, well this should be easy right? Just a bit more double the dosage of the medication that made me hate eating, a few shots, x-rays and some blood panels, this is at least a step in the right direction. I turned to Ryan with hopeful eyes and what did I see on his face? DREAD. The appointment was over, what was he so worried about? I followed his gaze down to his hand which clasped a brown paper bag with white knuckles. OH MY LANTA. I am going through immense pain, taking a ridiculous amount of medicine that makes me sick, and getting shots and his number one concern is the contents of this little brown bag. I leaned over to his ear and whispered "It's just a brown bag babe". He immediately scowled and shout-whispered "Don't talk about it, talking about it makes it so much worse!" I turned to the nurse next to me "He gets embarrassed easily, don't mind him". She giggled and I turned to Ryan who's scowl remained the same. Awe, so this is what he has been dreading all week. A little brown bag which contains direction and a little clear cup labeled "Semen Sample". I bit my lip and barely closed the car door before I erupted with laughter. I couldn't comprehend why a grown man would be so afraid of a little clear cup, but then it dawned on me. His fear is that he will contribute the same to our relationship that I have contributed. Weakness, infertility, more struggle. I only hope that he does not have to go through the same things I have gone through, the feelings of being inadequate. There is a pain that is brought with infertility, a sense of brokenness that cannot be fixed until you are fixed.

So here is to the future. To fixing what is broken. To a positive pregnancy test. To morning sickness and sleepless nights. To a long labor that is worth every minute. To dirty diapers and spit-up covered clothes. To midnight snuggles and nursing my baby. To a complete family that finally feels whole.