The Luck of the Irish.

So I am sure you guys have been looking forward to an announcement of some sort but unfortunately we have yet to take a positive pregnancy test. On a happier note, we are making progress!
I had my first visit with the Doctor in January and he said it was pretty much going to just be a waiting game. In February my sweet husband and I took off to Mexico for valentines day, the down side; we missed our window for that month! With long faces we looked toward the next month with hope and no scheduling conflicts. Out of the blue I got my period 2 weeks earlier than expected so I went to the doctor and he told me the excruciating cramps were normal when you haven't had a healthy period in a while. He also told me that we could continue with the rest of our plans! So I started another medication and just finished it yesterday. I will go in for an exam Wednesday with the doctor and if everything looks good I will go in for another exam Friday. If everything looks good Friday I will be going in for another exam the following week that will be full of shots and blood samples and medication. I think it is safe to say that we have a busy March ahead of us! Since it is St. Patrick's Day we are stealing all of the luck from this special day to make all our dreams come true!  Fingers crossed, eyes shut tight, making hopeful wishes.

Wish us Luck!

In case you were wondering, I am often wrong.

Yes, a baby will be worth this long drawn out process, and every time I think about holding a little loved one in my arms I seem to forget about the pain and discomfort I've been having.

I don't have any new updates from the doctor, but for those of you who are wondering how everything has been going here's a little update on my thoughts.

I thought that I would be okay to have several bites of ice cream while on this medicine, I thought wrong.

I thought I would enjoy all the meat in a no carb/no sugar diet, I was wrong.

I thought that the pounds would fall off when I started the medication, I was wrong.

I thought I could go a day without thinking about our future child, I was wrong.

I thought I could skip a meal without passing out, I was wrong.

I thought we would be okay snow shoeing without toilet paper, I was wrong.

I thought I could hold it long enough to make it back down the mountain, I was wrong.

I thought I was skilled enough to balance on the side of the mountain and touch my bum to the snow, in the dark, while wearing snow shoes, I was wrong.

I thought I could beat my score on Flappy Bird, I was wrong.

I thought I was all alone in this process, thanks to my Mother and supporting husband, I was wrong.

I thought being this miserable would make me want a baby less, I was wrong.

I thought Ryan would get sick of my constant complaining, I was wrong.

I thought I would quit after feeling this gross, I was wrong.

I thought Ryan would make me take back the first gender neutral outfit I purchased for our future baby, luckily, I was wrong.

Thank you everyone for your love and support through our trials, it has made them much more bearable.

The Doctor's appointment that will change our future.

I know this picture is awkward beyond compare and according to my sister Rachel  it makes me look like I have a "uniboob", but it was the only picture I have of the appointment.

Regardless of the odd angled picture, I finally have some updates for you. If you have previously read our blog you know that Ryan and I have been struggling with some fertility issues (by struggling I mean trying for over a year with no luck). Read more here. After several appointments with my regular doctor I made the gutsy move of meeting with a fertility specialist. I felt strangely calm walking into our first appointment, like it was meant to be, Ryan on the other hand, could not stop talking about it the week of. The closer we got to the actual appointment, the severity of his nervousness became apparent to me. He kept asking me, "Are you sure I need to go? Can you please just go without me? Can you call the doctor and make sure he needs me there?" He and I both knew what would be required of him and he was not having it.

For those of you who don't know my husband, you should know that someone uttering the word "sex" makes him blush. Even sexual innuendos make him turn the color of his fiery hair. It is really quite humorous that I chose to marry such a reserved individual considering my family is open about all of the above. I am sure you can imagine his feelings toward a Doctor's visit based solely on sex, babies and every detail therein. DREAD is about the only word I can use to describe it, pure dread.

Nevertheless, Ryan attended to show his love and support. Shortly after arriving we were called back to a room where we sat down and discussed the hopes and dreams of our future with our caring Doctor. After a year of trying, weeks of waiting and urinating on several hundred sticks, our high hopes were short lived.
Dr. F. was a breath of fresh air. He was blunt, educational and refreshingly hopeful which I am utterly grateful for. He gave us the thing we had been robbed of, that which was missing for a good portion of our journey, HOPE.

We tried to remain faithful through our trial, but I cannot express how hard that is to accomplish when you lose hope. My heart goes out to the parents out there who have tried for several years with no luck of bringing a baby into this world. It is so emotionally straining to get your hopes up every month, to wait and wait and wait and finally have the guts to take a test knowing well before you open the package what the results will be. I have been refilled, and I pray that all of you who are trying to conceive can find this renewed sense of hope which I have recently discovered. For the journey can be long, and I know how weary you must feel.

During my appointment I had to get an uncomfortable amount of naked. At least my husband was there to comfort me laugh and take pictures of me in my gown. Soon the gown and nakedness was the least of my worries. What the doctor found was disheartening. My ovaries were filled with cysts, he said he could see around thirty of them. My heart dropped because I didn't know what this meant. The doctor then explained, I will spare you the details but essentially I have been infertile for around three years. Thanks hormones. Suddenly the uncomfortable situation didn't seem to bother me as my mind drifted to the issues before me. For three years I have been infertile, could I have prevented this? I was confused and angry. Luckily, doctors fix things. So he upped my medication, scheduled about a billion other tests, shots and medications for me to take. After handing my sweet Ryan a brown paper bag, we were on our way.

As we walked toward the checkout desk I thought, well this should be easy right? Just a bit more double the dosage of the medication that made me hate eating, a few shots, x-rays and some blood panels, this is at least a step in the right direction. I turned to Ryan with hopeful eyes and what did I see on his face? DREAD. The appointment was over, what was he so worried about? I followed his gaze down to his hand which clasped a brown paper bag with white knuckles. OH MY LANTA. I am going through immense pain, taking a ridiculous amount of medicine that makes me sick, and getting shots and his number one concern is the contents of this little brown bag. I leaned over to his ear and whispered "It's just a brown bag babe". He immediately scowled and shout-whispered "Don't talk about it, talking about it makes it so much worse!" I turned to the nurse next to me "He gets embarrassed easily, don't mind him". She giggled and I turned to Ryan who's scowl remained the same. Awe, so this is what he has been dreading all week. A little brown bag which contains direction and a little clear cup labeled "Semen Sample". I bit my lip and barely closed the car door before I erupted with laughter. I couldn't comprehend why a grown man would be so afraid of a little clear cup, but then it dawned on me. His fear is that he will contribute the same to our relationship that I have contributed. Weakness, infertility, more struggle. I only hope that he does not have to go through the same things I have gone through, the feelings of being inadequate. There is a pain that is brought with infertility, a sense of brokenness that cannot be fixed until you are fixed.

So here is to the future. To fixing what is broken. To a positive pregnancy test. To morning sickness and sleepless nights. To a long labor that is worth every minute. To dirty diapers and spit-up covered clothes. To midnight snuggles and nursing my baby. To a complete family that finally feels whole.

An easy read.

Tis the season and I would like to post some of my favorite Christmas quotes from both songs and movies to help us remember the TRUE meaning of Christmas. Yes, everyone goes on and on about the true meaning of Christmas, but clearly it needs to be restated because every year without fail, we get lost in all the hullabaloo of presents and Santa and reindeer. (and if you're like me Disney's Frozen is on that list too.)

I will try to share a favorite memory or story that goes along with each quote. The first on my list is a family favorite.

How The Grinch Stole Christmas.

 Each year my brother Rick and I would watch the Grinch. I specifically remember one year watching it almost EVERY day. We would turn on the Christmas tree, get bundled up in our favorite blankets and watch The Grinch. Soon our eyes became heavy and we would doze off until the finishing credits would blast so loud they'd wake us up. No matter how many times we would watch it, I can still remember the part where the Grinch finally realized what made Christmas so special.

"It came without ribbons, it came without tags. It came without packages, boxes, or bags." (Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before) "Maybe Christmas doesn't come from a store, maybe Christmas (he thought) means a little bit more"

My next favorite Christmas movie is...

Charlie Brown Christmas.

If you don't know my Dad, you should. That's all there is to it. He is without a doubt the funniest person I know. He is also the one person I know who can be so annoying yet hilarious at the same time. He is the person in our family that can bring everyone together no matter how angry, spiteful or stubborn we are. But through all of his ridiculous games and jokes he has a tender countenance that resembles the spirit of Christ. My Dad has an unshakable testimony and undoubtedly cries during every tender moment in every movie. During Charlie Brown Christmas he would always rewind the loud dancing scenes then make all of the kids get up and try to imitate the Charlie Brown Characters dance moves. We would do this for hours and laugh until our sides hurt, but during the final scene he would quiet us all down, grab some tissues and watch Linus perform his tender scene in the Christmas play.

"And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flocks by night, and lo the angel of the Lord came upon them and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid, and the angel said unto them, "Fear not, for behold, I bring you tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people. For unto you is born this day in the city of David, a savior, tis Christ the Lord. And this shall be a sign unto you. You shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes lying in a manger." And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of heavenly hosts, praising God and saying "Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men." That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown."

Sheesh, this post is getting kind of lengthy, and here you are thinking "wow, she titled it an easy read, rookie mistake." But with that being said, I will post just one more quote, the lyrics to my all time favorite Christmas song. It is sung through the voice of the Innkeeper that turned Mary and Joseph away the night baby Jesus was born.

Let Him In (Forgotten Carols).

"I am a man forgotten, no one recalls my name, thousands of years will fail to fully erase my shame. But I turned a profit nicely the day that I turned the couple away, I turned them away. I didn't sleep that evening though I'd sold out my place somehow I felt uneasy something about her face. Why did I wish that I'd let them stay? I didn't think they could pay or could they have paid? Restless, I left my bedroom I walked the streets all night. Lost in the world I lived in, found by a heavenly light. Staring at one bright star in the sky I heard a baby cry and I knew where that cry had come from 'cause I'd told them where they could go. I didn't think I could face them so I walked slowly home. Missing my chance to share in their joy, I never saw the boy. He never would condemn me, I did that all on my own. He offered His forgiveness, and ever since then, I've known. That He lets us choose each hour of each day if we'll let Him in to stay, let Him in. And whether it be in your world today or a crowded Bethlehem Inn, find a way make Him room let Him in."


Find a way, we can make room for Him. Let Him in.

A Little Piece of My Heart.

Your whole life you grow up thinking "Oh when I get married", and "when I go to college", or "when I have kids" but the thought never crosses your mind that you might not get those things. It started out as just a pregnancy scare, but that tiny pregnancy scare changed our marriage. October of 2012 Ryan and I stood over a pregnancy test waiting for the results. Negative, phew! A sigh of relief escaped his mouth and I couldn't help but smile, but a few seconds passed and we both frowned. A spark was lit inside and even though we weren't expecting a child or hoping for one, we soon realized we were disappointed to see that we weren't going to be parents just yet.

Two months later in December of 2012 we had officially decided to start trying. January came and went with no sign that we weren't pregnant, so we decided to take another test. Negative. February-Negative. It wasn't until March of 2013 that my belief of couples conceiving their first month of trying was shattered. Okay, so where do we go from here? Research, research and more research. We found out that it takes most couples 4-6 months to conceive. Phew, so we aren't the only ones trying like bunnies with no results! In April of 2013 I lost my period, as in it was no where to be found. I knew I had to be pregnant because I hadn't had my period for two months. I took another test-NEGATIVE! What the H! One thing you should know about me is that I self diagnose myself from the internet ALL THE TIME! So I got online, looked up missing periods with negative test results. After coming across several stories that say sometimes the HCG levels aren't high enough to be read from an "At Home PT" I scheduled an HCG Serum Test at the doctors because that had to be it.

I got my blood drawn on a Friday and it was the only Friday I ever dreaded the weekend. Come Monday I was greeted by the sweetest Medical Assistant who came to me with a straight face telling me that I was not in fact pregnant and that the Doctor had to go over the rest of my blood tests. Long story short I could not conceive in the condition my body was in, and changing my body was no guarantee that I could conceive at all. But I started the medication anyway with high hopes that it could change my future. After researching this medication I was terrified of the results. Nausea, diarrhea, fatigue and on top of all that, I was directed to limit sugar and greasy food because it only made the side effects worse. I decided to go gutsy and take the full dose even after my doctor told me I could ease into it. I told myself there was nothing stopping me from having a baby ASAP. I ralphed and pooped and puked and barfed and cried and pooped some more. It was like Hell on Earth guys! Needless to say, I cut the dose in half and dove in again the next night. The side effects gradually improved and now it is nothing but a little nausea EVERY night before bed and diarrhea anytime I eat the things I enjoy. No pain no gain right? I would do anything for a baby. More time passed and still no baby, but I was still receiving a monthly present which I was in fact grateful for.

 In August of 2013 I returned to the doctor to get a blood workup. The results: worse than before. I called Ryan in tears after receiving the news. Why was this happening to us? I couldn't believe that I had put myself to Hell and back for months with no progress. For several weeks I completely turned away from the idea of a baby. I didn't want to look at babies or talk about babies or think about them. I told Ryan I didn't want a baby for a long, long time. Deep down he knew that I was simply hurting. If wanting a baby so bad only brought pain then I didn't want one, I didn't want that pain. I sunk into a deep depression. All I ever wanted to do with my life was become a mother, and that is what my body was made for, yet I couldn't accomplish that. Fertility issues are hard on everyone, but there is something terrible in knowing you are the cause. You feel guilty and depressed and most of all you wallow in self pity every chance you get. It's repulsive really, but there it is.

 Everyone around me was either getting pregnant, having babies or planning them. I am so grateful for the new bundles of joy that have been added to my life, but I felt like slapping myself and yelling "Pull yourself together!" (Holla at your Incredibles quote)

 

I became envious of the people who got pregnant their first try, and I would get angry when people would say "Yeah, we didn't even try, it just happened" or "We were even on birth control and still got pregnant, I'm terrified, we don't even want kids yet!" and don't even get me started on abortion. Babies are a miracle and they should be treated as just that, a gift from God.

December 2, 2013 on Ryan's 26th birthday I decided to call the Fertility Center and make the plunge. We had been trying to conceive for over a year and doctors recommend seeking help after 12 months. Our appointment is in January and our entire outlook has changed. I cannot wait for the incredible journey ahead. Our goal for 2014 is to stay positive through the process of getting pregnant and to have faith in the Lord's plan. I know that this will be one of the hardest trials we will overcome, but I also know that we will appreciate the ability to conceive and carry a baby from our first baby until our last.

So here's to the future, wish us luck!

Ridiculousness.

So, my husband has this idea that I can't leave ANYTHING in our house alone. Yesterday we actually had a long discussion about his fears and he told me that one of his fears is that I will never be satisfied with our house the way it is. I could have told him that he was being ridiculous, but I agree with him, I will never stop improving our house because decorating is to me, what Call of Duty is to Ryan. With that being said, here is the latest and the greatest.

 Before: Let's just say it had seen better days

 

 During

 

 VOILA! After.

I had originally planned on just painting it white but I had some left over Gold spray paint and what can I say? I was inspired!

PARTY PARTY PARTY!!!

Life has been NUTS lately! I feel like my weekends have been taken over by parties. NOT what you're thinking. I don't party hop from house to house or play "Mountain Dew" pong. I mean grown up, finger sandwich, sipping tea, playing afternoon cards parties (believe it or not THIS is the kind of party I live for).

I love to show my creative side and even more so pretend I actually have one. These parties have allowed my inner party planning beast to run rampant! As many of you know, every woman I know is pregnant right now, so I'm a baby shower planning fool. If any of you know me well you know that I will use ANY and ALL excuses to throw a party. Since all of my sisters in law are expecting their 2nd or 3rd children I decided a shower wasn't necessary, but a sprinkle was!

Take note: I AM human, I did not plan these parties all by myself.

Kiley, my sister in law, is expecting the middle of October so we threw a little retro aqua and red themed brunch "sprinkle" for her. 

In case you couldn't tell by these pictures, we had candy GALORE. Ryan and I are STILL trying to finish off the last of it.

The next party I planned was another "sprinkle" for the lovely Becca who is due the first week of November.

We decided to throw a "travel" themed party. Globes, planes, maps, etc.

Last but not least, The Great Gatsby Party that Ry and I threw. (When I say Ryan and I threw it I mean he helped fold the Laundry and make appetizers).

More to come on Rachel Smart Elder's Shower.